When your grief “Doesn’t count”

To be honest, the Western world is generally not great at acknowledging or supporting grief. ​

Many of us get uncomfortable because we feel helpless to make our loved ones feel better, we don't like reminders of mortality, and it requires a lot of vulnerability and discomfort to just sit with someone's pain. This means we tend to emotionally exit pretty quickly with dismissive comments that are meant to be helpful ("At least you had them for as long as you did." "It'll get better.") or no longer checking in with the person's grief after the initial loss.​

That being said, we do seem to give more compassion and understanding to “traditional” forms of loss, such as the death of a partner, parent, or child. However, so much of our grief falls outside these types of losses and ends up in what is called disenfranchised grief - i.e. a loss that is not recognized by social norms. ​

This can include: loss of faith; death of a loved one by overdose; miscarriage; the death of someone you haven't been in touch with for years or a celebrity; pet loss; the death of a service provider; and so much more. Disenfranchised grief also occurs through dismissing people that society unjustly thinks are not capable of grieving (such as an individual with a cognitive disability) or minimizing losses that are "expected" (such as with the loss of a grandparent). 

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(For a more comprehensive list of different types of losses that fall under unrecognized relationships, loss surrounded by stigma, and loss that's considered "less significant," click here.)

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So what do you need to know when you're experiencing disenfranchised grief and don't feel like you have permission to feel the relevant pain?​

YOUR GRIEF COUNTS.

It really, really, really does. 

While certainly helpful, other people's understanding is not a prerequisite for the validity of your grief. It counts whether someone gets it or not. It counts whether they think they'd be upset in your situation or not (and really - we have lots of theories on how we'd handle difficult situations when we're not in them).

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YOU DESERVE TO FEEL YOUR FEELINGS.

I know this one sounds a little unappealing because grief is painful, but you deserve to have your valid feelings recognized and processed. 

Not working through grief impacts our cognitive abilities, relationships, and physical and mental health. That pain, awful as it is, signifies that whatever or whomever you lost mattered to you immensely. That relationship might be complex or it might be clear to you and not to others, but it's a relationship worth honouring.

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YOU DESERVE TO BE SUPPORTED.

Because grief (especially disenfranchised grief) is so poorly supported, this means people are likely to feel lonely and withdraw. 

That makes total sense - if people are being dismissive or making you feel ashamed about your pain, it would make anyone feel hesitant to reach out to others. 

I encourage you to:

Let your trusted people know what you need and that you are hurting.

Reach out to a grief counsellor.

Connect to Facebook or community groups focused on the type of loss you're experiencing.

Call a crisis line, if needed.

​I know it's hard to hold on to the belief that it's okay to feel what you're feeling. But I hope you can be gentle with yourself when you are working through disenfranchised grief and find the right people to surround you with support.