The Recap

Ross and Rachel are in an argument that they've had several times before. Rachel says that she wants to take a break and Ross leaves without a word. He then receives support from Chandler and Joey and shares his interpretation that Rachel wants to break up. Ross ends up having a one-night stand with another woman, and Rachel reaches out to repair their relationship the next day. It comes out that Ross slept with someone else and he defends it by saying he and Rachel were on a break, so he did nothing wrong.

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Problem #1: Were they on a break or were they broken up?

It would have been less entertaining to watch, but truly this whole dilemma could have been solved by the following adjustment.

Rachel: Maybe we should take a break from us.

Ross: What do you mean by a break? To me it means we are not in a relationship anymore.

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Problem #2: What did it mean to be on a break?

Let's say Rachel says "no, a break just means time apart." We still don't totally know what that means to each person. Does a break mean they are still committed to each other? Or does it mean that dating other people is ok? Is it ok to sleep with someone else? If either of those things happen, does the other person want to know about it? How much do they want to know? When does the break end? Is there communication during the break? Or do they just not see each other in person?

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Problem #3: They lose track of the actual impact and, with it, the opportunity for repair.

There's a reason this joke carried on throughout the entire series - we'll never be able to answer it. Both Ross and Rachel believe they are right. They can spend their entire relationship trying to convince the other, but what is underneath the surface of what happened and how was the couple impacted?

If I had to guess, Rachel might say "It's devastating to me that you can move on with someone so quickly. Whether it meant anything to you or not, I feel replaceable and I question whether you love me." Ross might say, "I was absolutely gutted when I thought we were over. I couldn't fathom not having you in my life, and I just wanted to do whatever I could to dull or distract from how much pain I was in. I hate that I hurt you this much and I'm really scared you won't want to figure this out together."

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That offers an entirely different direction for the conversation; one which might actually lead to some resolution or at least some mutual understanding.

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"Ok, I'm a fan of the show, Stephanie, but why are we talking about this?"

A lot of relationship miscommunication comes from couples thinking they are on the same page or that their beliefs are common sense rather than personal beliefs. We often don't know we crossed a partner's boundary until we've hurt them.

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A good example is cheating.

While a couple may agree that cheating is unacceptable in their relationship and that they would like to be monogamous, they may not have the same definition of what constitutes cheating. We may not discuss it because we think it's obvious what we mean by that, but it's not. One person may be okay with their partner flirting with someone else as long as it's not sexual. Another person might be devastated by this. Yet another person might find it a turn-on and want to hear all about it and even encourage it. No one's definition of monogamy and flirtation is wrong here, but they need to identify if it is compatible with and understood by their partner.

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Especially at the beginning of a relationship (when we're all excited) we can look for commonalities and fill in the blanks based on what we want rather than what is discussed. If someone wants children and they meet someone who says they really want to be a good parent, that sounds great, right? Except, what is that person's definition of a "good parent?" Do they mean being hands-off or very involved? Do they want to teach about consent and emotional intelligence? Do they believe in corporal punishment? What is their solution to a child struggling with their mental health? The more you know, the better you'll be able to understand your partner and find out if you are on the same page or whether or not you can get there.

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Today's takeaway: It might feel like over-communication, but do it anyway. If you think you are on the same page, check for individual definitions, explain criteria, ask about feelings, and explore possible scenarios and outcomes. While it can feel uncomfortable, it's much easier to have a conversation about these things (finances, monogamy, fidelity, division of household tasks, parenting approaches, etc.) before you enter the conflict rather than after. (This can apply to family, friend, and work relationships too!)

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Happy communicating!

Stephanie