The Art of Self-Compassion

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

What is it?

Self-compassion acknowledges our struggles as normal and valid, and extends kindness to ourselves, especially when we perceive that we failed. It’s choosing to understand our experience and focus on validation rather than on judgment and shame.

The opposite is self-criticism. It’s pretty easy to slip into self-talk that sounds like this: “I can’t believe I messed that up - I’m such an idiot!”

Imagine the impact that would have on your child, partner, colleague, friend, parent, student, if you said that to them if they made a mistake. Unfortunately, we don’t typically extend ourselves the same consideration and courtesy.

When we do this to ourselves, we can activate an unhelpful cycle that leaves us with feelings of anxiety, anger, and/or depression. And guess what we then do in response to those feelings? Double down and shame ourselves for experiencing those too, which keeps us stuck in this cycle.

Why do I need it?

Self-compassion allows us to break the aforementioned cycle. Instead of spiralling around the drain of painful emotions, we can stop and redirect. By soothing ourselves, we calm these emotions down and pull away from negative long-term beliefs about ourselves.

People who are able to show themselves a high degree of self-compassion are more likely to be optimistic, motivated, happy, have higher life satisfaction, and experience less depression. Not only that, if you are working towards healing past hurts and creating change in your life, you’ll need a hefty dose of self-compassion along the way.

How do I practice it?

Mindfulness + normalization + kindness

Mindfulness. If we want to utilize self-compassion we have to first identify what we are feeling or believe to be true about ourselves. For example, “I am ashamed that I didn’t know the answer to that question” or “I should be able to handle this better.”

Normalization. You’re human. That means you are just as prone to insecurities and mistakes as everyone else on this planet. You are not alone in this, and others have absolutely experienced the pain or discomfort that you are struggling with, as well.

Kindness. Take that compassion that you are extending to others and direct it at yourself. It’s okay to struggle and to feel whatever it is that you’re feeling.

Putting these three components together might sound something like this:

“I’m disappointed that I didn’t get more tasks completed today. I know I’m not the only who sometimes struggles with productivity. In fact, there’s a reason there are so many books, podcasts, and TedTalks out there on this topic - it’s hard to stay motivated and focused. I did the best I could today.”

This can be really hard, so another way to practice it is to either write a letter to yourself (“Dear Trevor, I know you’re disappointed that you didn’t get more done today”) or imagine yourself talking to a loved one or a child. What would you want them to know in order to comfort them? If you wouldn’t say it to them, don’t say it to yourself.

Put it into practice as you read this!

Ironically, you’ll need self-compassion as you work on your self-compassion. Many of us learned that our feelings are not as important as those of others or that our experiences aren’t valid. It will take some time to rewire the brain as you make this change, but I have no doubt that you’ll get there. Just be gentle with yourself in the process.

You deserve it.