How to Give a Good Apology
I think it’s fair to say that we’ve all had an apology that either didn’t feel sincere, the person didn’t take full responsibility, or they deflected to another issue. This might sound like:
“Fine!!! I’m sorry!"
“You know I didn’t mean it.”
“I’m sorry, but you dropped the ball yesterday too.”
“I was just kidding.”
“If I apologize, you have to drop it.”
“I'm sorry, but I’m just being honest.”
“I’m sorry if I did something wrong.”
Or even like this...
(Sorry, David, this didn’t quite cut it).
These versions are dismissive, conditional, avoid responsibility, and don’t acknowledge the impact on the other person. So what should we aim for instead?
The formula for a good apology is:
Authentically saying you are sorry + naming what you are sorry for + acknowledging the impact + providing a plan or reparation
The planning portion is so important but often overlooked. Most of us give well-meaning intentions of change without outlining what that actually means.
For example, let’s say someone promises they will work on their communication. Does that mean they will see a therapist? Read a book on communication? Share their feelings in the moment? Be more open with their needs? Ask clarifying questions? Set time aside as a couple to discuss what is going well and what the concerns are? Work on their tone or being less passive-aggressive?
It’s hard to measure whether our partner, friend, colleague, or family member has made changes if we aren’t sure what changes we’re looking for.
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So what does this all look like in practice?
Imagine Alejandra tells her partner, Jamison, that she is exhausted and frustrated that they haven't done the dishes again. It can be easy for Jamison to belittle the issue, state what other things they have done, or come back with something that Alejandra hasn’t done herself.
A common response might be:
“I’m sorry!! Jeeze! [Not an authentic sorry]. But seriously, I do them most of the time and there aren’t even that many, so what is the big deal? [Not naming what hurt their partner or acknowledging impact]. If you quit nagging me, I’d be better at it. Besides, you forgot to take the trash out this morning. [Shifts responsibility and doesn’t break down what “better” means. Is it doing it in a more timely fashion? Doing them before their partner asks?]”
If we use the guidelines of our formula, a good apology would instead look like:
“I am sorry for not doing the dishes. I understand that makes your day more frustrating and that you feel taken advantage of when I don’t hold up my end of the bargain. Moving forward, I’m going to make sure I do it before going to bed.”
Other examples:
“I know that it was wrong of me to call you out in front of the whole family, and that you are angry because I’ve hurt your credibility with the kids. I’m sure that was embarrassing, and it was a mistake for me to do that. In the future, I will wait until we are alone to bring up concerns I have about our parenting.”
“I am so sorry I forgot your birthday. Of course you’d feel hurt and you shouldn’t have had to remind me. I’ll be sure to put a reminder in my calendar so this doesn’t happen again. Me forgetting has everything to do with being bad with dates and nothing to do with how important you are to me as a friend. I’d like to make it up to you by taking you out this Friday.”
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“But, Stephanie, these are kind of cheesy.”
Yeah. They are. But keep the following in mind:
1. This is a template to work from. You can use your own thoughtful words with the same sentiment and formula to make it sound more like you.
2. You don’t need to do this in every situation (i.e. dropping things, bumping into someone in the street, etc.)
3. As Dr. Kirk Honda says, “If being healthy means being corny, then be corny.” 🤷🏻♀️
Happy apologizing!
