What Exactly is Gaslighting?

While I’m so happy that mental health conversations are becoming more mainstream and many people are finding information and validation through social media, there are some terms that are getting misused. Gaslighting is one that I keep seeing online that is not always being used correctly.

So what is it?

Gaslighting is a “psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one's emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.” (source)

It is a subtle form of emotional abuse and can actually be hard to identify since it takes place over a longer period of time. It can start slowly with someone “correcting” or invalidating your perspective, emotions, or beliefs. The long-term goal is for the victim to not trust their own sense of reality or perception. They may feel confused, over apologize, doubt themselves, feel like they have to prove themselves with facts, and may feel like something is off without being able to properly identify what that "something" is.

Gaslighting behaviour can include shifting and deflecting blame to the point that it is twisted around to be your fault. Even if you give them feedback about their hurtful behaviour, they can turn it around to make it sound like you caused the behaviour, misunderstood it, or your trauma history or mental health is to blame.

This can include rewriting an event in their favour. For example, imagine you’re upset that your partner won’t come to a wedding they agreed to attend with you. They might tell you that you never even told them about the wedding and now it’s too late and they feel hurt. To be clear, this is not about a misunderstanding or two people remembering a conversation differently. This is intentional and meant for the other person to doubt themselves and possibly even feel guilty and apologize. This pattern of convincing someone that they can’t remember things correctly adds to the gaslighter's ability to control them.

Even if called out with proof, gaslighters typically won’t back down from their stories or accusations. They can be so convincing with their lies that people can often walk away confused and second-guessing themselves. They may also change the subject, which can be disorienting and make your concern not seem like an important issue.

The abuser may say things like:

“I never said that. You never listen and you make stuff up.”

“You know you sound crazy, right?”

“That didn’t happen.”

“You’re not thinking clearly. You know you’re always too emotional.”

“I’m the one who should be mad.”

“Other people think this about you too.”

“This is your trauma/trust issues/family issues.”

“Clearly you aren’t mature enough to have a conversation.”

A lot of comments start with or include the word “you” because part of the abusive strategies include not taking accountability, pointing out the “flaws” in the other person, and minimizing their emotions. When this happens repeatedly, you may start to doubt your own feelings and thoughts.

To add to the confusion, some of the abusive language can sound kind (and even loving) in an attempt to switch focus and not be accountable.

For example: “I love you. You know I would never hurt you on purpose. It hurts me that you would think that of me."

Why does language matter?

The internet seems to be using the term when someone lies, disagrees, is trying to influence someone, is insistent, or has a different perspective of an event or situation.

While it may seem insignificant to use a term incorrectly, words hold a lot of meaning. Gaslighting is abuse and when we use terms lightly it can dilute the actual terminology and make it harder to identify this type of abuse.

It could also mean we dismiss people or end relationships for average relational conflicts. For example, if a friend just views a situation differently than you, that is not the same as denying your reality for their personal gain.

If you've experienced gaslighting

Gaslighting can truly happen to anyone because of how subtle it is (that's part of the tactic). However, people who have experienced it often feel great shame about it. So please know: It is not your fault. There is help. Healing is possible. And whatever somoene said about you not having value just isn't true - I promise.