Can You Gaslight Yourself?

A lot of social media has picked up on therapy lingo, but it doesn't always get the definitions right - including professionals.

The term "gaslighting" is frequently used incorrectly and more recently the term "self-gaslighting" has gained a lot of traction.

So can you gaslight yourself?

I'm going to go against a lot of social media therapy and blogs here, but... no.

At least not in the way that the original definition is meant. Language is ever-evolving, so perhaps self-gaslighting is part of a new vocabulary, but I still think it matters to be as clear as possible.

When I see people use the term "self-gaslighting," they typically provide examples of how we might be minimizing our emotions, dismissing our experiences, talking ourselves out of the validity of our feelings, or repressing our needs.

Gaslighting, on the other hand, includes lying, coercion, psychological abuse, manipulation of reality, and denial of responsibility in the face of evidence. It requires a gaslighter who is intentionally and systematically trying to make someone (the “gaslight-ee”) doubt their reality.

You can’t really do that to yourself.

For example, imagine Manuel rearranges the kitchen cupboard and, when asked about it, he tells his partner, Aarya, he never touched the dishes. In fact, he hates organizing, so she must have done it, and is she even feeling ok?? She forgets things all the time, she should get that checked out.

Now imagine Aarya rearranges the kitchen cupboard herself, takes a shower, then comes back into the kitchen and tells herself she didn’t reorganize anything. It doesn’t work because she cognitively knows that she did it and she wouldn’t intentionally try to make herself question reality in that way.

Imagine other scenarios: Aarya can’t steal money from herself and lie about it without knowing she’s doing it, and she can’t actively plan which experiences would be good for her to doubt without knowing she’s doing it.

Why does it matter?

Partly because I’m a stickler for correct terminology. I’m also mindful of not diluting abusive language as it risks undermining the experience of those who have been abused. Language is important in how it reflects people’s experiences, but also in how it distinguishes responsibility.

Gaslighting is abusive, self-doubt is a symptom.

If you find you’re trying to talk yourself out of an experience, an emotion, or a need, get curious as to why this might be happening. Were you taught that your emotions didn’t matter or your needs were too much? Is there a “benefit” to this self-doubt, such as maintaining a relationship or not taking a risk? Are you dealing with impostor syndrome or low self-esteem? It can also be that anxiety, depression, or past trauma are creating a filter through which you view things.

As I said, language evolves and I might have to eventually wave my white flag and accept defeat at some point. But until then, I’ll continue to make the distinction that self-doubt can unintentionally cause us harm, but gaslighting is harming someone on purpose.