Aiming for Perfection
I think most of us fall into the perfectionism trap from time to time, but some of us have a harder time getting out of it.
I’m not here to talk you out of aiming high or trying your best. But perfectionists tend to have a very narrow definition of “best” and success. So let’s first take a look at the difference between high achievers and perfectionists.
4 Reasons We Might Want to be Perfect
An underlying aspect of perfectionism is fear. Of failure, abandonment, rejection, etc. But where do those fears develop? Like a lot of our behaviours, we strive for perfection based on messages we either internalize or somehow benefit from.
So what do we think perfectionism does for us?
Protection
If you’re perfect all the time, you can avoid criticism, rejection, uncomfortable feelings, or other negative outcomes. In volatile households, it may have kept you safe by avoiding negative or harmful attention. Aiming for perfection has kept many kids emotionally and physically safe, so it makes sense to want to hold onto that strategy.
Connection & Acceptance
One way we think we can build connection and be accepted is to never make a mistake and to meet someone else’s every need. This approach avoids conflict and we think the other person will always be happy with us. Some folks learned as a child that love and acceptance is conditional upon being perfect or “unproblematic.”
Control
Perfectionism can create a desire to control everything so as to be in charge of the outcome. This strategy might be used when we don’t trust someone to do a good job, are fearful of negative feedback, or struggle with the distress of not being in control.
Positive Reinforcement
Hop onto any social media platform to see what gets praised the most and you’ll likely see evidence of hustle culture, diet culture, unrealistic beauty standards, picture perfect family moments, and curated imperfection.
Then take a moment to reflect on what you typically get complimented on. Have you been praised for being raw and vulnerable? Maybe even a bit messy? Has someone congratulated you on recovering from stumbling over your words in a presentation?
Or have you been told “You were such a good kid, I never had to worry about you,” “You’re so low maintenance,” “You’re just so good at doing all this stuff,” (aka reinforcing the message “I like that you don’t need things from me”).
When has someone indicated to you through words or action:
“I saw that messy bit of imperfection and I still think you did a good job/love you/feel closer to you/trust you/believe you’re competent.”
Hopefully you do have someone in your life who can point out growth and accept “flaws,” but we tend to be praised more for the obvious “wins” that align with the earlier mentioned societal expectations.
4 Pitfalls of Perfectionism
Remember earlier (two seconds ago) when I asked “What do we think perfectionism does for us?”
The word “think” is plugged in there because our goal of perfection actually backfires on us and often creates the feared outcome instead. It may work in the moment, but it doesn't work long-term.
1. Perfect doesn’t exist.
That means, if that’s our goal, we never reach it and are instead left focusing on failure. This tends to increase pressure for perfection rather than decrease it.
2. It can cause procrastination.
Having “perfect” as the standard creates a lot of pressure and makes a task feel daunting and overwhelming. In order to manage those feelings, sometimes we self-soothe through avoidance and distractions like social media or naps.
3. It can stop you from showing your true self.
When we try to be perfect in relationships, we often hide our needs, feelings, and perceived flaws. This can make it hard to feel seen by others, get our needs met, or even have authentic relationships.
4. It is linked to mental health issues.
Perfectionism can often bring up feelings of guilt, fear, frustration, and shame. However, research shows that perfectionism is also often linked with or a risk factor for anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, substance abuse, and/or eating disorders.
Now What?
Sorry for the cliffhanger, but that’s a longer answer that I’ll be sure to answer in the next blog!
In the meantime I’ll leave you with the article “The Case for Mediocrity” and the suggestion to consider areas of your own mediocrity and embrace them.
For example, I’m a pretty mediocre cook.
I’m not going to poison anyone, but I don't think loved ones sit around daydreaming about my cooking either. And that’s okay! Because a) It’s just not a strength of mine and I don’t actually really care to get better at it (sorry to all my guests) and b) I pride myself on being a really good baker, so I’d rather focus my joy and goal setting on that instead.
Stay tuned for the next blog with some ideas on how to allow for imperfection, and I hope you can feel a little more comfortable in something you’re average at in the meantime.