Managing Perfectionism
Most of us want to do a good job, be liked, receive positive reactions, and not struggle with something new.
But when our world revolves around avoiding mistakes or hiding perceived flaws, it can really get in the way of enjoying life and connecting with others.
In the last blog post we talked about perfectionism and its pitfalls, and I left you with the cliffhanger of what to do about it. Here are some ideas to help challenge those high expectations and impossible standards.
Find the Grey
Perfectionism LOVES black-and-white thinking. You either succeed or fail, are good or bad, liked or hated, etc. One strategy to counter this type of thinking is to find the grey or in-between.
For example: You worked really hard on a presentation that was well-received, but you notice afterwards that one of the slides was missing and you left out some information you wanted to share.
Black-and-white thinking says: “It doesn’t matter that people gave me positive feedback. I made a mistake so this was a failure.”
The grey says: “I missed a slide and that’s frustrating. But it didn’t seem to negatively impact the presentation and I can always supply that information later if I really want to. Mistakes happen and people really seemed to appreciate the information I did share.”
The difference: The goal is to find the “both-and” rather than the “either-or.” It’s fine to point out something that you’d like to do differently next time and make a plan for it, but not at the expense of giving yourself credit for a job well done or for growth.
Find the Praise
Perfectionism is a bit allergic to identifying the positive, so we have to make a concentrated effort to find it.
In the above example of the presentation, what was positive? What felt good? Is there something that was new, different, or a challenge?
For example: “That was so scary. I don’t like speaking in front of others, but I did it! I’m proud that I was able to do something that was difficult for me.”
This is different from toxic positivity. You’re still allowed to feel disappointed, sad, or unsure. We just want to find some of the good that is getting missed in the process.
Another challenge is to sit with the praise you receive from others without rejecting it or minimizing it. You can start with a simple “thank you.”
Find the Root
Journalling, talking with a friend, meditating, or talking to a therapist might help you identify why perfectionism is so important to you and what messages you received about failure and success.
Consider:
What does it say about you when you don’t meet a goal or make a mistake?
What messages did you get about making mistakes?
How was feedback delivered to you?
What happened when you were unapologetically yourself?
When did you get positive feedback the most?
What did you witness in your household in terms of success and failure?
What happened when you expressed your emotions and needs?
What does success mean to you? How will you know when you obtain it?
What makes you feel important? Safe?
Find the “Mess”
Deliberately do something “imperfectly.” (Start small).
Try neurographics - drawing freeform lines and colouring them. Try not to aim for a particular drawing (like a tree) and just let it flow.
If you’re not enjoying something that was meant to be an enjoyable task - don’t finish it. (Ex: a book you just can’t get into).
Notice what it feels like leaving your home not “fully put together.”
Adjust goals that are overwhelming or not necessary (Ex: maybe you don’t have to reorganize the bathroom today).
Perfectionism is sneaky, so keep an eye out for attempts to do these strategies perfectly. (You can’t do them perfectly. I already tested this theory out for you). While these strategies are often hard and uncomfortable, but it does get easier over time.